The Midnight News

Reaction from last week's big story

1) Sorry to hear about Trish breaking your heart. At least you still have Sunny talking to you. Oh wait, she was a fake also. BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!

Paradolex

Aww shut up, you!

2) Yeah, I'm sure everyone's e-mailing you about this one (or at least the three people who still read you on that poor, God forsaken site), but I gotta ask about Trish. Rather, I have a message for her.

If you do indeed talk to her again (if it is the REAL Trish)...tell her she still owes me $12 for picking up her tab at Waffle House in Richmond some three years ago. She's lucky I don't tack on some interest. Just a simple apology for ducking out on the bill and a thanks would be nice. Hell, a "fuck you, you owe ME, bitch!" would even be appreciated. Either way, tell the former Mrs. Hyatte that Ramsey from Richmond still remembers...how much FOOD she heffed down that night! HAW!

John Ramsey

Yeah, pay up, girl! You've got enough money

3) Decent column this week. Better than they've been for a while now. But I'm convinced you've finally gone off the deep end. You're completely delusional. I'm sorry to say it, but you've lost your mind. I'll still read your stuff (what, about 21 or 22 more columns, it is a countdown, right?) but I hope you get some good medication and a nice quiet place to be with your own thoughts. Maybe you need to get off the internet for a while?

FBinTX

Heh... ha ha ha... you're onto something there, son.

4) Uh, poor Christopher, no longer can you send e-mail to "Patricia" or "Trish". But will have plenty of time to send love letters to Mask Maniac. Maybe, one day, Mask Maniac will choose your "soul". BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Larry Tenelada

Sorry, I don't date Jews.

5) i can't believe you thought you had a shot with Trish...what a mark

Tony

No, if I was a mark I'd be saying, "Wrong, SHE almost had a shot at ME!"


6) DONT LEAVE ME TRISH!! PLEASE!!! PLEASE!!! ARG !!! I DONT WANNA BE A BUTT PIRATE!

Someone named Hy8 on this site's board

HA! Too late.

7) hyatte is just a mark who has never accomplished anything in life.

Arwen

True... but really, who has?

8) Hyatte has a relationship with a 40 year old man pretending to be Trish on a computer. But if Trish met Hyatte in real life, she wouldn't even let him sniff her fart.

Cage!

Heh... oh man, what if that's true! Shit, I'm so humiliated.

Hello Trish Imposters, I'm Chris and this is the Midnight News. Let me do a follow-up to last week then we'll get to it...

The follow-up is this... what I wrote last week, it was really a very rare opportunity to write something that will mean one thing to one group and mean something else entirely to another.... well, just one person really... she (or HE... dear lord) read it and... well, I don't know what she (HE!?!) thought... either got really mad or really relieved or really touched...

The thing is... I wrote that shit for more than a few reasons... and I knew EXACTLY what sort of response I'd get. I've been doing this column a long, long time... I know EXACTLY what I'm writing and why I'm writing and at ALL TIMES, I know how anything I write will make me look.

So I went ahead and wrote a story about a bit of a relationship I had with Trish Stratus... and made myself look like a loser, a mark, a stalker, a heartsick puppyfuck, an obsessed asshole, and a world class creepface.

Many of you many not know this... but I've built this column... built my online career on showing what an ass I am. That's what I do... I take the concept of an Internet Wrestling columnist... and completely fuck it over. No one does this... no one EVER writes and portrays themselves as ANYTHING other than an expert or a high-intelligent fan who CARES about the business. EVERY asshole who writes a column tries to get over as someone whose opinions are to be respected and listened to...

Me? All I want to do is get you to read and I don't give a fuck how I do it. I wrote the thing because no one else would. This is why I have an audience... this is why you're reading this right now... this is why you read last week and will read next week. BECAUSE IN THE HOLIER THAN FUCKING THOU WORLD OF WRESTLING COLUMNS, I SEEM TO BE THE ONLY ASSHOLE WHO REFUSES TO TAKE ANYTHING SERIOUSLY!!!!

Plus, I get off on self-destructive acts.

You don't have to believe anything I wrote last week... and really, all I did was say that Trish Stratus is a sweet girl who has a way of making people feel like they may have a chance with her. That's all I wrote... everything else I added was me being a pervert dick.

SO there...

HOWEVER... I STILL think... in my deepest, darkest, heart of hearts... in the BOWELS of my very SOUL... I think Trish is making a HUGE mistake with her current future plans... HUGE... she has no IDEA what she's missing out on with me... so FUCKING awesome... SO fucking great... SO fucking funny... a MONSTER mistake... right up there with the boat hitting the iceberg... MASSIVE error by not looking into Hy8... HORRENDOUS... missing out on SO MUCH FUN... oh man... like... GARGANTUAN... to not even CONSIDER... oh... OH LORD, WHAT EXCITEMENT I COULD BRING!! WHAT FUN WE COULD HAVE FOR THE NEXT 50 YEARS!!! TRUE LOVE KIND'A FUN!! Oh manolive....

Big time mistake. No clue what you're missing. None... oh man.

(well gee whiz, lookit me acting like a stalker again... DON'T I KNOW HOW THIS MAKES ME LOOK?!?!?!?!)

(2... just like last week, this thing here is designed to be interpreted differently by two different groups of people)

Ah well. Off we go.


BUT, PLUGS

Nice and easy...

The greatest underdog story of our time is back for one final round.

This Christmas, GET READY FOR THE HURTIN' BOMBS, YA MOTHERLESS BASTARDS!!!!


NO TRAFFIC ON THE ROAD TO VICTORY

Cuz no one but dumb reporters watched the thing.

IT'S ALL TAG TEAM MATCHES, PEOPLE!!!

Anyway, TNA unloaded Victory Road for us last night... and it seemed to be all god damned tag matches! The hell!

TNA doesn't have the money or the luxury of running PPVs with the quality of those old In Your House WWE cheapies from back yonder... TNA should be producing Wrestlemania-type PPVs 12 times a month... or stop making them every 4 weeks UNTIL they can do it...

But they won't, they'll keep doing it... ah well...

Anyway, results and notes and observations and the like...

The Diamonds in the Rough vs the Naturals

-Shane Douglas came out and mocked ECW for not hiring him and for putting "Dick" Flair on their air. He laughed that fake-ass laugh of his. I really didn't miss Shane Douglas during the long, long time he just stood backstage and held a mic and made goofy faces while others cut a promo. I really don't like Shane Douglas's character.

-I really think Shane Douglas needs to go back on whatever drugs he was zoinked on just so he can go to rehab again and get OFF CAMERA

-Newsflash.... Shane Douglas is the most boring wrestler alive... always has been)

-The All New Naturals with an all new look and 'TUDE won against Simoan Diamond's group... but Douglas came right back out and yelled at them for not doing good enough. AM I THE ONLY ONE WHO REMEMBERS JUST HOW UNGODLY BAD SHANE WAS IN ECW??? HOW SLOW AND PLODDING HIS MATCHES WERE??? WHO IS HE TO TELL KIDS HOW TO WRESTLE???

-oh, and somewhere in there Douglas mentioned Candido being in Heaven... heh, I guess rehab didn't take!

-Christian Cage runs down his opponents for the amusement of Jeremy Borash... every week more and more people see why Vince stuck him on Smackdown while Jericho got the run at Cena.

Rhyno vs Monty Brown

-They just kept swinging until the ref got the crap kicked out of him and everyone was DQed.

-At one point, I think I saw Brown trying to lotion his body up with Rhyno's hair grease... (black folks must constantly moisterize or... or... I actually don't know... do you all turn white or something?)

LAX told Jeremy Borash that ahora es el time and el time es ahora... and soon Spanish will be THE national language of America... (DONDE ESTA LAS CHICAS BLANCA!!!)

LAX vs Ron Killings and Sonjay Dutt

-I'm still astounded that someone would walk around with the name "Sonjay Dutt"... I mean... what kinda parent would name their kid that??

-I'm still astounded, HOURS after the fact, that those Southern TNA boys would book Dutt with Killings and think "Yup, the fans will buy THIS team... hyuck"

-Homicide gets HIS CHANCE TO SHINE!! Skinny little guy, ain't he.

-Dutt did 90% of the work and took the pinfall... Killings more or less got the night off... not saying that horrible stereotypes would apply here but... well... *cough*... they ain't calling him "The Truth" because of his propensity to never lie!

-Scott Steiner told Borash that they key to beating Samoa Joe is to distract him with donuts. OKAY, WHO IN TNA HAS BEEN READING MY COLUMN???

-Team Canada did an extra-loooong in-ring bit where Scott D'Amore broke them up and turned one of them face... fuck Scotty D'Amore... I hate this guy... this is valuable PPV time here and they give him what... TEN MINUTES to rattle on about a bunch of guys few people care about?? What a waste...

-SCOTTY D'AMORE IS THE TRIPLE H OF TNA!!!

-Senshi told Borash that whoever was fighting him tonight is going to get stiffed all to HELL!!! Well, at least he's honest... JBL used to just surprise people with the potatoes

Senshi vs Frankie Karzarian for the X-Title

-Karzarian needs a new name... desperately.

-Jesus H... Senshi really did kick the living shit out of this kid.

-HOW DO YOU DOUBLE STOMP SOMEONE LIKE THAT AND MAKE IT FAKE???????

-No... really... the asshole just... POUNDED on the kid with both feet and his full weight!!

-I remember when Senshi was Lo Ki a few years back and used to make Goldilocks all wet whenever she interviewed him... no, really, she was practically dripping.

-Senshi won. He needs someone to just stomp the shit out of HIM for once... BOOK JOE TO TAKE OUT THIS DOPE!!!

-Larry Zbyszko told Borash that he'll take out Raven just like he took out Bruno at Shea staduim 10 billion years ago (ugh, asshole)

Larry Zbyszko vs Raven in a hair vs hair match

-If you EVER want to see how to push a wrestler by not pushing him one bit... watch TNA's treatment of Raven.

-Larry got clipped... even the few tools who ordered the thing didn't really care.

-Kevin Nash knows exactly what nonsense he's involved with and told Jeremy Borash that he's in this for the competition! (HA, GOD BLESS HIM!)

-Alex Shelley introduced a new DVD called, "The Best of the X-Division" with Nash on the cover! He also mentioned Nash's title win over Bob Backlund 20 years ago, to which Nash shouted, "8 SECONDS!!"... this is why Nash should be President of the United States.

-Nash then referenced a ten year old Seinfeld line and rubbed his tits in Borash's face... (Seinfeld? Oh Nash... ain't getting old just the SHITS!)

Kevin Nash and Alex Shelley vs Chris Sabin and Jay Lethal

-Nash wasn't pinned, but his team lost.

-But the story is... early into the match... against gifted X-Player, Jay Lethal, Kevin Nash did something Kevin Nash never does and routinely gets bitched at for... he gave the little cornrowed peckerwood a god damned armdrag and the god damn hick Orlando crowd were AWED!!!

-Then they chanted: "That was AWESOME" at him and he soaked it all in with a huge shit-eating smile... as if to say, "YOU DAMN SKIPPY!!"

-Kevin Nash should be TNA world champion... end of story

And I'm sick of recapping this sooo

-Team 3D might have won or they might have lost... Spike Dudley got to bodysurf... but TNA is NOT ECW in ANY way, shape, or form... uh uh, no way

-Styles & Baldie Giraffe & and that Chyna Girl beat AMW and Gail Kim

-Sting gets to fight Jarrett next month... and Samoa Joe was tossed around like a cocky Indy star who the vets wanted to give a lesson to. (CM Punk... welcome to the next year of your life)

All in all... a TNA show... take that for what it's worth.


REALITY CHECKS IN...

So the state of the business so far...

1) Full or damn near filling up house shows... not selling out YET, but coming close...

2) TNA venturing out of Orlando to run house shows of their own.

3) The return of ECW, under Vince McMahon's watchful eye.

4) TNA Impact shocking SpikeTV by holding onto the audience with the UFC out...

5) A new WWE movie division

6) The New CW Network PROUDLY boasting that Friday nights belong to Smackdown

7) MTV decides to give Wrestling Society X a shot. Sean Waltman has a steady gig again! YIPPEE! And are you ready for the regular TV exposure of Teddy Hart?!?!?

8) Something new called "MavTV" announces that it's starting up and it's featuring its OWN Wrestling company! Orlando Jones finds WORK AGAIN!!

9) Two to three times a year, the WWE kills its workers by hauling them off on MAJOR tours of Europe and Asia. Immense sell-outs and tremendous pay-offs ensue

10) The WWE goes for the football staduim sell-out for the next Wrestlemania.

11) LINES A MILE LONG to get tickets to house shows!

12) Right now, you can get new wrestling 5 days a week at least twice a month.

13) 5 days a week on 5 DIFFERENT channels (including PPV)

So... things are looking GOOD! Looks like the upswing is in full motion and the REAL MONEY will start pouring in! Cena IS the new age Austin and by God, the NEXT GOLDEN AGE OF WRESTLING IS UPON US!!!


2.7

Saturday Night's Main Event drew a 2.7.

On a Saturday night... the night most kids (Cena fans) are home, and chilling... on a night with NO new shows... all repeats... and HBO didn't even have a good movie... the had Rebound which starred Martin Lawrence...

2.7

Not only was it a 2.7... but it was a 2.7 which featured cheesy low-rent local commercials AND about 500 ads for NBC shows... NBC COULDN'T MARKET THIS NEW PROGRAMMING TO ANYONE RESPECTABLE!!!

2.7. Which means more people decided to search the internet for free porn on Saturday then watch wrestling...

2.7... more people watch a DVD of the PREVIOUS SNME's then this

2.7... more people bought Scott Keith's whole LIBRARY of books then watc... well, okay, let's not push it

2.7. This says more then all the hype and hope and spinning in the world.

Wrestling fans aren't watching wrestling anymore... there is no upswing. It's not on the rebound. It's not making the comeback.

And John Cena will never be Steve Austin.

Wrestling isn't dead... it's alive and well and 98% of the planet is ignoring it.

But MAN, the 2% will spend every buck they have on the product. Too bad that 2% ain't terribly rich.


CONTINUING A THOUGHT FROM EARLIER IN THE COLUMN...

Really... REALLY big mistake.... no, I mean, AMAZINGLY BIG.... INCREDIBLY big..... just... just... unGODLY big mistake... I mean... wow.


THE WORLD ACCORDING TO FLEA

Whenever we talk, I can always count on Flea to give his opinions on just about anything.

So, I decided to grab a pen and paper and start jotting down his thoughts. Everyone likes Flea.

The following is 100% true... more or less:

WHERE DOES FLEA STAND ON...

...James Bond?

Great. The greatest ever. One of the most forgotten movies is when Connery held them up for more money and Lazenby took over. What people don't remember is that Diana Rigg was in that movie. Fuckin' Diana Rigg. Man, she was on it. And who'd they get to play Blofield? Telly Savalas. That's the nuts right there. Long movie. Looooong. "On Her Majesty's Secret Service" Go rent it. Roger Moore was a pussy. They had to get Connery back in there. That Dalton was a pussy. Pierce Brosnan was good. But they gave him shitty scripts. Fuck them. Who they got now? The cocksucker Hulk? That'll piss on them good. What's that other movie with Ben Kingsley? The new one? Zero something? He's a serial killer? What the fuck? Fuckin' Ben Kingsley ain't no Tony Lector.

Flea: Whom I'm on the fence about these days.


A FUN FACT THAT WILL MAKE YOU LOOK SMARTER

*You can live up to 11 days without water*

And just like that, you're smarter than you were three seconds ago

Hyatte LIVES to inform.

Pretty lazy and easy way to kill yourself. Get to it, losers/


KEVIN NASH IS BETTER THAN YOU

Since day one, Kevin Nash has been shat on by Internet marks everywhere. Well.... enough is ENOUGH!

This isn't going to change a damn thing, but I'm doing it anyway. Someone has to point out the obvious, SOMEONE has to defend the big guy, SOMEONE has to show the WRESTLING WORLD that Kevin Nash... maybe the greediest, laziest, sneakiest wrestler who ever lived, deserves a HEARTY round of applause... not for thumbing his nose at those who actually WORKED in the ring, but for doing it and getting rich at the same time. He IS the American dream... all 7 feet of him.

But is he better than YOU, John Q. Workrate? Bet'cha ASS he is... Why?

Kevin Nash Is Better Than You Because...

He's only in this for the money now, and by God he's having FUN

THIS HAS BEEN "KEVIN NASH IS BETTER THAN YOU" STARRING KEVIN NASH, WRITTEN, DIRECTED, AND PRODUCED BY CHRIS HYATTE. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.


SATURDAY'S ALRIGHT FOR RASSLIN' (AIN'T NO ONE GONNA WATCH IT, THO')

Being that there is a TNA PPV all recapped and goofed on... let's blow off the Impact Mop-Up and Mop-Up the Last Saturday Night's Main Event...

Well, let's not... let's just handle this like I handled the Victory Road recap... makes for a nice bookend.

-Opening theme, still using the POD song... umm... I don't know the name of the damn thing... BOOM, HERE COMES DA BOOM!!.... nothing screams "relevency" then using a song that's about 6 years old to open your show.

-To kick things off, we get Hulk Hogan and his daughter, Brooke. Jim Ross shouted, "IS THIS HOW WE'RE GOING TO START THE SHOW????" I think he was talking to Vince in his earpiece actually... someone gave hoim the wrong booking sheet... he was expecting Eugene vs Rob Conwoy

-Hogan SOAKED in the crowd... and seemed stunned by the reaction... that sumbitch could walk into a Ring of Honor ring and have those ultra-wrestling marks in the PALM OF HIS HAND within 5 seconds.

-Brooke took the mic and said she's always DREAMT of this moment... being here... in the ring... with her father... then said, "But since Piper ain't here. I'll settle for you!" Then she got shrill and shouted, "YOU HEARD ME RIGHT, ASSHOLE!!! RANDY SAVAGE IS MY REAL DADDY!!! OOOOOO YEAH!!!"

-Hulk looked reasonably flustered... Brooke continued, "YOU SHOULD'A LET HIM PIN YOU ONE TIME, YOU JERK-OFF!!! HE WOULDN'T HAVE WENT FOR THE REVENGE BONE WITH MOM!! IT'S YOU'RE FAULT!! ALL YOURS!!"

-As Hogan went teariing into his creative control contract, mumbling, "Shoot promos ain't part of the deal, Bra"... Randy Orton came out to charm the pants off young Brooke and challenge Hogan to a match at SummerSlam... Brooke was charmed and Hogan accepted... they shook hands. If Vince gives CM Punk even HALF the push he gives Randy Orton... that tattooed grease-ball will end up bigger than the Rock.

-Oh the HELL he will..

-Jim Ross passed it over to Michael Cole who reminded us that Smackdown is STILL on the air and Batista will be out next... along with just about everyone else who has any sort of star power from the show... which is 6 people now. Breaks your heart.

-commercials... NBC can't have MUTANTS because Marvel would sue their ass and WIN... so they have something called Heroes... which is the exact same concept.

-Wow... a mop that also picks up DIRT while WASHES!! Back in my day we used to call that "Rosie the Latina Cleaning Girl"

King Booker and Finlay and Mark Henry vs Rey Mysterio and Lasley and Batista

-King Booker and Queen Sharmel proudly glide to the ring as William Regal assumes his normal gimmick as unapologetic sycophant. Finlay follows. Mark Henry comes out last. This is the three premiere heels of Smackdown... remember when this brand had just about EVERYONE? That was when Stephanie was GM! Boy, someone should make Stephanie GM of SD again... that girl was a BRILLIANT business-person!

-Lashley came out. He's so secure that when they hand him a cup to pee in he openly pours the contents of a Kool-Aid juice box in and hands it back, "Yessir, ah piss nuttin but 'Cherry Rush'!"

-It went about 3 minutes before everyone got in the ring and started yelling but without making any real moves towards each other. Cole shouted, "THIS IS A POWDERKEG AND IT'S ABOUT TO EXPLOOOOOOODE!!"... oh let's hope it doesn't explode during the set of...

-commercials... featuring the easy to use slicer! No more crying while chopping onions!! Now you can cry at normal times... like when WWE Divas drop you like used tampon and FLUSH YOU AWAY!! WHOOPEE, NO MORE EXCUSES!!

-Mark Henry pulled a Kevin Nash by blowing out his knee while running into Rey... which is hilarious on paper... and pretty fucking funny in real life too.

-Batista improvised and pinned Booker. Finlay's midget got involved too. Afterwards, Batista sneered at King Booker and shouted, "NOW WHO'S THE O.G., BITCH!! NOW EHEN IT'S ALL SCRIPTED, WHO OWNS WHO'S ASS???" Yeah, you tell 'im, Tista

-DX shared a screen with Vince McMahon and the Spirit Squad and offered their interpretation of what Vince was saying... and it was WAAAAAAY too cleanly improved to be live... I know that's nit-picking but it bothered me. HHH has good timing when it comes to wit but not THAT good.

-And I'm getting tired of Vince on camera. Put in a new GM and lay low for a while.

-The Divas rode a mechanical bull and we got snippets of it... it amazes me how most net writers applaud the WWE for NOT showing half-naked girls flouncing around on a mechanical bull... I mean... come on... wrestling's on 5 nights a week now... you get all the shirtless grappling you could ever want!! LET THE GIRLS FLOUNCE, YOU FAIRIES!!

Melina and Johnny Nitro vs Trish Stratus and Carlito

-Trish has curled up her hair... it is DIRECT MESSAGE TO ME because I am bald (by CHOICE) and she sent a shout out to me by going "Curly"... get it? Curly of the Three Stooges! IT'S ALL RIGHT THERE, PEOPLE!!! CLEAR AS DAY!!

-THEN Trish sent ANOTHER message a DIRECT MESSAGE to me by SHOVING past Carlito (who was in the ring with Nitro) and attacking Melina... see, she SHOVED PAST Carlito like she used to SHOVE PAST OTHER IMS TO TALK TO ME!! I told you so!!

-THEN Trish looked at the camera and said, "I miss you!" and waved... (universal hand gesture for "Hi" )traced an "8" in the air!

-THEN Trish took off her engagement ring, THREW it in the crowd, and held up a plane ticket to Rhode Island... oh hell, I gotta clean up my place... shit...

-and do about 10'0000 sit-ups.

-and hide my porn... well, the gay porn anyway... the straight shit I'm sure she'll enjoy.

-Anyway, Carlito won.

-during the commercials, Kevin Von Erich was brought out... and that guy looks goddam GOOD!!

-He held up his hand and made a claw! I bet it's arthritis! Poor sap.

-for real, the dude looks GOOD... I'm glad.

DX vs the Spirit Squad: Elimination Match

-HHH and HBK basically tore threw these kids one at a time... then Superkicked Vince into the cage and locked it on all six.

-This Spirit Squad, over the course of a few weeks, have been pretty much DESTROYED by DX... I haven't seen a career burial this bad since Dallas Page started fucking with the Undertaker and his wife. No chance... no heel heat... just an utter burial. HBK didn't even break a sweat.

-The Great Khali makes his network TV debut and groaned half-words as if he was auditioning for the role of Helen Keller for the Istanbul Community Theater production of The Miracle Worker... Daivari started pouring water on his hand and the big lunk shouted, "WAAAAH WAAAAH, WAAAAH, WAHHHH"...

-The Big Show came out with Heyman and applauded Khali on taking out the Undertaker...

-The Undertaker came out. He actually hustled a bit thanks to NBC's tight schedule... ("This ain't cable, fucko... you ain't getting an extra 7 minutes!")

-'Taker ended up fighting both giants... and ended up double chokeslammed... Michael Cole used the word "decimated" twice within the space of 30 seconds.... you could practically hear Jim Ross giggle in the background.

-Backstage, the Big Show offered the Undertaker a title shot on ECW. You know... ECW's main event used to be Rhyno vs Spike Dudley... THIS IS A STEP UP, PEOPLE!!

Sabu vs Stevie Richards

-Talk about career burial... Stevie Richards has been killed so many times... even Matt Hardy wakes up every morning and says, "Well, least I ain't HIM!"

-Imagine if Vince decides to make Sabu a MAJOR star? I mean... with a Raw role... wouldn't that be like... the most amazing career resurgence ever?

-they played Brooke Hogan's video... which makes me long for the days when Britney Spears was almost fucking her dancers in her videos

-Backstage Hogan chased away Randy Orton whilst he was macking up Brooke. Randy walked away peacefully... then snuck up and gave Hogan an RKO on Hogan's car trunk... THEN he crouched and watched Hogan play semi-dead. Say what you will about Orton... the guy has the SMOOTHEST finisher in ALL the business... with a KILLER pre-amble (sliding around on his kneepads, waiting to STRIKE) and a BEAUTIFUL follow-through (whatever pose he uses after he nails it)... His RKO sequence is a true pleasure to watch.

Edge vs John Cena

-Cena wins by DQ... I skipped this match in favor of a visit to Vivid Video .com.... did you know Janine does guys now? Did you know she's HARDCORE about it? Oh momma...

-Hey, it's either fucking Vivid porn or YouTube clips of Stratus! For my mental health, I'm going with the porno...

-or... umm... maybe go on a real date with a real girl... well... umm.... that too... but nevermind that.

Anyway... this TV show didn't feel like a normal WWE TV show... it felt like a house show that happened to be filmed... the wrestlers worked at 3/4 speed... and no crazy bumps except for Edge getting Cena's through a table at the end. But other than that... quick matches, signature spots, nothing dangerous... Mark Henry walked and blew out a knee (heh)... but isn't this your typical house show run-through?

I guess they knew they won't be back on NBC for another 15 years... so why bother going all out.

Do I end this now? Naaah... let's wrap it up with something pervy! Because Lord knows I haven't done ENOUGH creepy stuff over the last couple of weeks


LADIES LOVE COOL HY (JAILBAIT EDITION)

So there I was, online and minding my own beeswax when a girl said hello.

For fun, try to pinpoint exactly when I said, "Fuck morality and fuck the law." I haven't had much luck with OLDER women... so why not...

This being a "Feinstein Friendly" website, I think you all will appreciate this...

SeXxieLiLrEe04: Hi
Hyatte1com: Hi
SeXxieLiLrEe04: ur funny
Hyatte1com: I'm Chris, actually
SeXxieLiLrEe04: LOL

SeXxieLiLrEe04: im (her name)
Hyatte1com: hello
SeXxieLiLrEe04: hi my brother loves wrestling so thats how I notived you

Hyatte1com: cool... so what are you wearing?
SeXxieLiLrEe04: LOL
SeXxieLiLrEe04: how old are you?
Hyatte1com: u first
SeXxieLiLrEe04: LOL
SeXxieLiLrEe04: im 16 yo
Hyatte1com: I see
SeXxieLiLrEe04: u?
Hyatte1com: how 'bout that Carson Daley huh? Man, he HOTT


SeXxieLiLrEe04: eww gay
Hyatte1com: no way man!
SeXxieLiLrEe04: LOL
SeXxieLiLrEe04: im still waiting
Hyatte1com: for?
SeXxieLiLrEe04: how old are you lol
SeXxieLiLrEe04: 30ish yo!
SeXxieLiLrEe04: no way
Hyatte1com: way

SeXxieLiLrEe04: thought ude be younger yo
Hyatte1com: I get that a lot.
SeXxieLiLrEe04: LOL well ure still funny

Hyatte1com: thanks
SeXxieLiLrEe04: :)

Hyatte1com: so ure 16?
SeXxieLiLrEe04: fraid so

Hyatte1com: what are you wearing?
SeXxieLiLrEe04: lol pjs u nerd
Hyatte1com: Dork darlin', dork.

Hyatte1com: ever have ass sex before?
SeXxieLiLrEe04: ugh... thats none of ure business and fuck u

and then she logged off...

There wasn't a single time during this chat where I didn't have a SCREAMING boner

This is something I am not proud of... but I NEEDED IT!!!

I'm a shell... a SHELL of my former self...

Carson Daley... oh god... for the first time in 8 years I clearly dated myself

Next week, I examine Wade Keller vs ECW vs Dave Scherer vs Bruce Mitchell... with a cameo from Dave Meltzer and Bob Ryder, and somehow I manage to get myself involved..

I also find new ways to embarrass myself.

BIG mistake... HUGE.... MONSTROUS... a part of you has GOT to wonder...

sigh... this isn't winning me any brownie points... but by all that is Holy it is FUN to read!!!

21

This is Hyatte